January 2021

For some of the avid readers of my column will remember (and for the rest of the readers I will explain) – I have a theory that any chocolate, cake, lolly etc that is given at Christmas (and Easter) does not put-on weight as long as that chocolate etc is given as a gift. To put it simply – my theory is that all foods that are given as a gift during the festive time does not contain calories.

Now this theory is not something I just dreamt up one night when eating all my wife’s chocolates she had hidden in the fridge. This theory is based on a number of facts. First fact – there is a “Feel Good” hormone in the brain called Dopamine that is released every time you feel “good” or excited and happy.

There is a centre of the brain that regulates the amount of fat you store in your body as well as hunger – called the Satiety Centre and this centre needs insulin to fit into a receptor on the cells to allow glucose to enter the cell and then control the storage of fat in the body. BUT my theory is that Dopamine blocks this receptor and therefore when you are feeling happy and excited the body will not store fat.

So, the theory goes – if someone gives me chocolate (or any other high energy food) then it makes me feel happy, my brain releases dopamine that blocks the insulin receptor on the satiety centre and therefore my body does not store the excess energy as fat. Good theory with a number of assumptions and unproven facts mixed with proven facts and therefore very controversial.

Now I do find a lot of people are sceptical to this theory – that group includes my wife, my son, my brothers and their wives, their children, my staff, my manager, my friends, my clients, the general public and basically every person I have ever met.
But this level of scepticism does not deter me. The fact that every year for the last 40 years since I developed this theory – I have put on weight by eating high GI foods (chocolates etc) does not deter me. No way – I am going to show them all that they are wrong.

I am sure that people laughed or scoffed at the Wright Brothers before they proved that flight was possible. I am sure people laughed and scoffed at people who thought the world was round when everyone was convinced the world was flat. History is full of people who went against the belief of the time and proved their theories to be right. Why should I be put off on my theory just because everyone I ever discuss this with either rolls their eyes, sighs deeply, expresses sympathy to my wife on the fact she has to live with me, uses words such as “you have got to be joking” or words like “bull…t” or asks when the men in white coats are coming to collect me (whatever that means).

I know of the saying “Try, try, give up – you are making a fool of yourself” but that does not deter me from my quest to show that foods that are given to you as gifts do not cause the body to deposit fat during the festive season.
So, with this thought in mind – I set off to devour as many chocolates etc that were given to our team over the Christmas period. Now I had to compete with some of the staff who felt that food given to the “staff” included themselves, but I found that if I put a lock on the fridge at work and I had the only key that stopped a lot of them sneaking in when I was not looking and grabbing a chocolate or two.

As a lot of clients were very generous this year – we had a large number of food items that I needed to devour. In the past, as I ate the chocolates etc I would feel guilty for not sharing and I think that is the reason that every time I have put-on weight. So, this time I blocked out of my mind the many complaints from the staff and the threats that they were going to contact the person who gave us the presents and tell them that I had commandeered all the food.

This time I ate each piece of food while visualising the client being excited that I was eating their food, I visualised the look on my wife when I proved that I could eat 20 boxes of chocolates and still lose weight, I visualised the trim taught body I would have post-Christmas without having to go to the gym, I visualised my staff apologising for their scepticism, I visualised the world wanting to know the secret – being asked onto TV shows to explain the theory and how it worked, accepting post graduate degrees at many different Universities, statues being erected in the major cities of the world, having my life story printed in glossy books, being nominated for Australian of the Year, being given the Key to Bundaberg and basically flocked by well-wishers every time I walked down the street.

It is getting towards the end of the festive season and it will soon be time to “weigh in” and see if this theory worked or not. Now I must admit the prelim results (such as putting on my pants, looking in the mirror, doing up my belt etc) are not looking promising BUT I have only a few boxes of chocolates to go, 2 cream cakes and 4 cheesecakes and then the telling time will come.

In the meantime – have a fantastic 2021 and I hope this year grants you all every one of your wishes.